Humor

Simba's Domain

Humor

Turn on speakers, and click here!

Here is a video clip that I love!!! It is the cat herding commercial from EDS.

click here to play video

--THE CAT'S PRAYER:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!
- Author Unknown

Pet Diaries

Excerpts from a dog's daily diary

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mum! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 183 Of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going, is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches.The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

WARNING !!!!!

Dogs are being picked off one at a time.They are falling in great numbers. Police say watch your dog

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

(By Bud Herron)

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk--dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is--for cats--three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

Do *NOT* try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
When I exit this room, I will come out the the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years.
Canine attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.

And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion
will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are
not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.

How to Give Your Cat a Pill
(Author Unknown)

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.

Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.

--WHAT CATS DO - ALPHABETICALLY SPEAKING:

Act nonchalant
Be comfortable
Control yourself
Discriminate
Explore
Fake what you don't know
Grab at passing opportunities
Have moments of wild abandon
Ignore the ignorant
Jog in your sleep
Knead people
Let it all hang out
Make friends with your neighbors
Nap often
Overstep boundaries
Play with your food
Quit while you're winning
Return to your favorite places
See things others don't
Take your time
Understand human limitations
View things from more than one perspective
Wait at least 60 seconds before responding
Xpect only the best
Yawn and stretch at regular intervals
Zzzz in the sunshine

(Reprinted from an American Greeting Card -
The Cat's Alphabet)

--5 THINGS YOUR CAT KNOWS ABOUT YOU:

--1. You are bigger than they are:
This they discovered the first time you accidentally stepped on them.

--2. You are a great source of food:
And it must amaze cats, who no doubt see us as ponderous, clawless buffoons with a bowling ball's brain and a physique to match, yet every day we supply them with tasty cat food.

--3. You are easily manipulated:
Walk a mile in your cat's collar and you'll see
that you are the proverbial pushover. Your needs as far as your cat goes are simple: the desire to be loved; the desire to sleep undisturbed, and to figure out your taxes without meows, yelps, and howls from the help of a furry-footed paper- scattering critter.

--4. You are slower than they are:
They can click on their power-booster jet rockets and fly into another room in a blur and hide in a spot in our house you don't know exists and can never find.

--5. You aren't particularly bright:
A cat knows the true meaning of life, but he's not sharing the secret with us - he knows when he's got a good thing going.

Written by animal hospital vet, Dr. Daniel Jacoby, Phoenix, Arizona.

--A dog thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be gods!

--A cat thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a god!

HELPFUL TIPS FOR PREPARING FOR THAT NEW CAT

--1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can
and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and
then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.

--2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night
so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping,
you are sure to get snapped.

--3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits
must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair.
Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the
morning.

--4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to
marinate.

--5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so
that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.

--6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.

--7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because
that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).

--8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your
favorite TV program and run to the TV. shouting "No! No!
Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the end of the program.

--9. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of
the living room in the morning and don't try to clean it up
until you return from work that evening.

--10. Gouge the surface of the dining room table several
times with an exacto knife. It's going to get scratched
anyway.

--11. Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door
before you shut it.

--12. Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.

--13. Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.

--14. Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while
it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter
them around the bathroom.

--15. Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every
scrap of paper around the house.

--16. Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.

--17. Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the
refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them
out with a ruler or broom stick.

--18. Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and
immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling
you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

There now, once you've done all these, you've passed the
test, and are ready to take on that little furry critter!

========================================================

Some Kitty Jokes

One fine sunny day, two robins were laying on their
backs, enjoying the sun. A mother cat and her kittens
went strolling by. The kittens, as always, were saying
how hungry they were and what could they have to eat?
Their mama, spying the birds, said "How about some
baskin' robins?"
**********
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along,
when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The
mother mouse says, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now
do you see why it's important to learn a foreign
language?"
**********
Have you ever noticed that...
There is a "MEOW" in the middle of "Homeowner"
**********
My husband said it was him or the cat.
I miss him sometimes.
**********
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other
is a pause at the end of a clause.
**********
Where does a cat go that has lost its tail?
A retail store!
**********
What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit!
**********
A woman walked into the pet store. "I haven't got
much money", she told the clerk, "so I'd like to
know if you've got any kittens you'll let go cheap."
"I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but they
prefer to meow".
**********

Cat's New Year's Resolutions

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

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Cat Quotes, Poems, and Humor

Simba's Domain